Alfheim Academy
by FoxOnPie
Summary: It's your favorite Fairy Tail characters... in school! What an original idea! It's not like this has been done to death with only, like, three successful versions! ...Let's just get it over with, shall we?
1. Another Highschool AU! FoxOnPie Panders!

**Fox: Well, I said I was gonna do it, and here I am… doing it.**

**Pie: Couldn't think of something funny to say, could you?**

**Fox: ...No… Let's just do the disclaimer… **

* * *

**The following is a non-profit fanfic. Fairy Tail and any other series that show up are all owned by their respective owners. Please support the official release. **

* * *

The sun shone on a beautiful April morning. Dressed in a white, male, sailor uniform and hat was a boy with spiky silver hair biking to school, and based on the ferocity of his pedaling, he was on the verge of being late.

"Ah!" The boy said as he came to a stop. "What are you doing, Lucy?" The person he was talking to was Lucy Heartfilia, dressed in a female version of the aforementioned sailor uniform, and hunched over a bicycle.

"The chain came off my bike! I'm gonna be late at this rate!"

"Let me take a look." The boy got off of his bike to try and assist Lucy. "Doesn't seem too hard to fix. I'll get it back on and we can both get to-"

"See you later!" Lucy shouted as she pedaled away.

"Hey! That's _my_ bike!" And this is the last we'll see of the boy.

* * *

After a few minutes of biking, Lucy parked her bike by the school gate and quickly met up with her pink-haired friend.

"Heya, Natsu!" She said.

"Hey, Lucy. ...Who's bike is that?"

"What?! I… I use that bike all the time!"

"What did we say about stealing?" Lucy exhaled.

"'It's wrong'."

"That's right. After school, you're giving that bike back."

"Fine…"

"...And right now, you're gonna give me back my wallet."

"...Fine." She quickly handed him the wallet that, when you thought about it, she couldn't possibly have stolen. But alas, she did. With that all taken care of, the two headed off to the morning assembly that would kick off their second year at their school: Alfheim Academy.

* * *

"Welcome, everyone, to the morning assembly that will kickoff this year of learning at Alfheim Academy!" was said into a microphone in the gymnasium by principal Makarov Dreyar. "As you all know, this academy has a very lax attitude, but we still expect you to act in a dignified manner and study hard! When you come to class here, you represent the heart and soul of the greatest Japanese-style school in all of Brazil!"

"Which is, of course, where we are. Brazil," vice-principal Ivan Dreyar added.

"So no fighting unless it's established that you won't be in the hospital for more than a month, and only three instances of unprotected sex a month. Got it?"

"..." was the crowd's response, as they _had _no response to their principal's nonsense.

"I'll take that silence as a 'yes'."

* * *

After that rather odd assembly, everyone shuffled off to their homerooms. Natsu and Lucy were in room 2-12, and seeing as their teacher had yet to show up, they decided to chat with their friends Gray Fullbuster and Erza Scarlet, also in the same class.

"Am I the only one who thought that assembly was totally lame?" Lucy asked.

"I thought it was more stupid than lame, actually," Natsu said.

"I'm serious! You can't start a school year like that! We need a better way to kickoff this year of schooling in Brazil, which is where we are."

"Should they have given us cake?" Erza asked.

"That'd be a start, but not good enough!"

"Please just don't do the same crap you did last year," Gray said.

"...Your clothes," Natsu said. Gray looked down to see that he had lost his clothes to appeal to female readers again.

"Dammit!" He shouted as he put them back on.

"Kinda weird that you get so upset about it, yet still do it all the time."

"I don't do it by choice; God(Hiro Mashima) forces me to do it to get the fangirls going!"

"Want me to get you a stripper pole?"

"Ooh, that'd be nice!" Lucy exclaimed.

"Indeed," Erza added.

"You two, be quiet!" Gray yelled. "And you shut up, Natsu! You're such an asshole, you know!"

"Yeah, well at least I'm not adopted," Natsu said with a smirk.

"...What?"

"What? I hit a nerve? You gonna go crying home to mommy? But wait a minute, you don't _have _a mommy!"

"Look, I'm sorry for calling you an asshole, so just-"

"Hey, everyone, look!" Natsu shouted so everyone could hear. "I'm Gray Fullbuster! I'm a male stripper, and I sound like Ikuto from _Shugo Chara!_ Screw the rules, I'm in love with a ten-year-old girl!"

"That's it, Natsu! You're fucking dead!" Before Gray could kill Natsu, though, a piece of chalk nailed him in the head, thrown by their homeroom teacher, Gildarts Clive.

"No killing your peers, Gray!" Gildarts shouted. "And Natsu! If you're gonna make fun of Gray for being adopted, do it behind his back, like the rest of us!"

"Sorry," Natsu apologized.

_I shouldn't get made fun of for that, at all!_ Gray thought to himself.

"Anyway, I'm Gildarts Clive, and I'll be your homeroom teacher for the year," Gildarts said as he sat down at his desk.

"Yeah, we know," Erza said. "You were our homeroom teacher last year. ...Come to think of it, our class is basically the same as it was freshman year. Why is that?"

"If you're implying that I was too lazy to try and learn new names… you'd be right."

"I… I see…"

* * *

Later, it was lunchtime. Natsu and his group were eating in class, though they were missing Lucy, for some odd reason.

"Where do you think Lucy ran off to?" Gray asked.

"Knowing her, to do something stupid and dangerous," Natsu said. It was precisely at that moment that the three of them got a text message that said for them to come to the front of the school, and if they didn't, she'd cut off their testicles.

"Even mine?" Erza asked. Half a second later, Erza got a text that said "Especially yours". "This is serious…" ...She's not a transgender, by the way. This is just random stupidity, so don't think too much about it.

* * *

About a minute later, the three of them had arrived at the school gate where they saw Lucy wearing a pair of triangular sunglasses and holding some sort of trigger.

"What are you doing, Lucy?" Natsu asked.

"Starting this year off with a bang, that's what!" Lucy declared. "Remember how we were doing stuff with fractions in math, today?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"Well, that gave me the awesome idea of… fireworks!"

"How?!" Gray yelled.

"It makes sense when you really think about it, Gray," Erza said.

"No, it doesn't!"

"...Anyway," Natsu started, ignoring Gray, "where did you get fireworks?"

"My dad's a billionaire, Natsu," Lucy said. "You get very rich when you can successfully blackmail Obama with a gay photograph."

"Okay, so we know how you could _get _the fireworks, but you do realize it's daytime, right?" Suddenly, the day ended, and it became nighttime. "...That's… odd… I still can't allow this, though."

"Why?!"

"It's stupid and dangerous! The founder of this Japanese-style school in Brazil would not be pleased!"

"Oh yeah?! Mavis! Is this okay?!" This was yelled to the founder of Alfheim Academy, Mavis Vermillion, who was sitting under a tree reading a porno.

"Yeah, it's cool," she said, turning the current page of her erotic magazine.

"Huh…" Natsu said. "Well, that was the only condition I set up… so go ahead."

"Yay!" Lucy cheered as she pressed the trigger. When she did, dozens of fireworks launched into the air and exploded into a myriad of shapes and colors. "...That's weird…"

"What?" Erza asked.

"I counted all of the fireworks that went off, and one's missing."

"Maybe it's a dud," Gray added.

"Maybe… what's that smoke trail?" Natsu asked, pointing to a line of smoke that went away from the school and towards the hill.

"Oh no! One of the fireworks went off course!" Lucy shouted. A loud bang was then heard. "Oh no! Judging by that angle of trajectory, it just blew up the local orphanage!"

"What?!" Lucy's friends shouted.

"The orphanage?" Mavis asked, putting down her porno. "There's no orphanage over there; it closed down a month ago."

_Yes! _Lucy thought.

"Yep. Now it's just a home for abandoned, adorable puppies."

_NO!_ With the realization that Lucy killed innocent, adorable, abandoned puppies, Natsu, Gray, and Erza all started to glare at her.

"...Who wants ice cream?!" And so ends another strange day at Alfheim Academy, the most prestigious Japanese-style school in Brazil. Which is where they are. Brazil.

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**Make sure you remember to review, as well; good feedback makes for a great story! **


	2. Go Helping! The Gang does Manual Labor!

**The following is a non-profit fanfic. Fairy Tail and any other series that show up are all owned by their respective owners. Please support the official release. **

* * *

The night after Lucy blew up the home for abandoned puppies, the gang(Natsu and co.) were hanging out in Lucy's dorm room chatting about the events of the previous day.

"So you didn't get in trouble at all?" Natsu asked.

"Nope!" Lucy said with a grin. "They _did _plan on sending me to jail to get sexually violated by lesbian prisoners, but then we all remembered that I'm a rich, attractive blonde, so I just got a slap on the wrist."

"I love our society," Erza said. Most people would have said that sarcastically. Most people, however, are not Erza.

"We do have to do community service, though."

"What do you mean 'we'?" Gray asked.

"I told them that you guys were accomplices."

"What?!"

"Teehee!" Lucy giggled while playfully sticking out her tongue.

"Ugh…" Natsu groaned with a facepalm. "Why do we hang out with you, again?"

"What part of 'rich, attractive blonde' did you not understand?"

"...Works for now."

* * *

The majority of their community service was simply just helping out with things around school. For Lucy, she was to help the Gardening Club trim the hedges.

"Do you know how to shave away the defenseless shrubbery?" Laki Olietta, the president of the club, asked.

"...Sim," was the reply of a foreign woman who looked like Lucy.

"Great! Let's get to work!"

"...Sim." This warrants explanation. Lucy actually _did _plan on doing work, but then she reminded herself that she was a rich, attractive blonde, so she hired a Brazilian to impersonate her while she got pie. How great is pie, right?

* * *

Natsu's community service was helping move junk sculptures crafted by a senior named Gajeel Redfox. The two actually met a year ago, and while they'd call each other friends if the mood was right, the two often fought one another over the stupidest of things. Last Christmas, the pair completely destroyed the cafeteria because they couldn't decide who would put the star on the tree.

"So, Gajeel," Natsu started as he helped Gajeel lift a big sculpture that looked like a humanoid cat wielding a sword, "are you a junkie?"

"What?!" Gajeel nearly dropped his end of the sculpture in the midst of the exclamation.

"You know, 'cause of the junk."

"...OH! It was just a stupid pun! Hahahahahaha!"

"Hehehe. ...I kinda wanna smoke some weed now. You got any on you, man?"

"Hell yeah!"

* * *

Gray's community service was cleaning the pool alongside the captain of the swim team, Juvia Lockser. It wasn't that big a deal to him, but certain things about the job greatly annoyed him.

"Can you _please _tell me why I'm in a speedo?!" Gray yelled to the captain.

"It's the standard uniform for cleaning the pool if you're a hunk!" Juvia said.

"Speaking of cleaning the pool, you're supposed to help with that! Why are you just sitting in the bathroom watching me with a video camera?!"

"Juvia wants to be in the bathroom when she has to… feel happy."

"...I would've preferred a lie right there."

* * *

For Erza, all she had to do was help out Laxus Dreyar, son of the vice-principal and grandson of the principal. Unfortunately, things were getting annoying… for Laxus.

"Will you shut UP already?!" Laxus yelled. "I don't give a damn on how cakes in America are cut differently than cakes in Brazil, which is where we are!"

"Fine," Erza said with a pout. "...Can I just ask you something?"

"What is it?"

"How come your father and grandfather are members of the teaching staff and you're just, well, a janitor?" This was indeed Laxus' profession; he was Alfheim Academy's head janitor, dressed in a red jumpsuit and pushing a cart full of cleaning supplies.

"Word of advice, Erza: never grope the governor's daughter unless you're wearing a false moustache."

"...What?"

"Besides! I _like _my job! We janitors are actually more important than you might think."

"Hey, Laxus!" Jura Neekis, the geology teacher, yelled from the end of the hall. "Someone vomited in the bathroom; go clean it up!"

"Can I use a mop this time?"

"What is this, a mop store? Just use your shirt like always!"

"Thanks, Obama," Laxus mumbled as Jura walked away. "...Like I said! My life is one of respect and dignity!"

"...You're a janitor," Erza pointed out.

"Quiet, you!" Before anything else could be said, a small, furry creature came into view of the two of them. "WEASEL!" Laxus jumped at the weasel, but the weasel ran away, causing him to land face first onto the floor. "After that weasel!"

"...Yes, yes," Erza groaned as the two ran after it.

* * *

"_I will have sex with bees and the eagles!_

_Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Potato Pizza!_

_Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Potato Pizza!_"

That was Natsu and Gajeel, roaming the halls of Alfheim Academy, stoned out of their minds, incorrectly singing the first opening to _Attack on Titan_. In their defense, though, no one speaks German anymore. Not even the Germans. ...Don't think too much of that statement.

"Give that back to me, Juvia!"

"No! Juvia refuses!" In another hallway, Gray was chasing Juvia on account of the girl stealing his speedo right off of him.

"I know I saw him go this way!"

"You do realize we're chasing a weasel, right?" In a third hallway, Laxus and Erza(mostly Laxus) were running around to try and catch the weasel that they saw earlier.

"You were really great today, Lucy!"

"Sim." In a fourth hallway, Laki and Lucy's Brazilian double were casually walking after finishing their work outside. Each of these four parties did not know that the others existed, so they had no way of stopping the comical crash that happened when the four hallways intersected.

"That was some _great _pie!" As if God was pissing on their faces, Lucy walked in from absolutely nowhere after finishing the last of her pies that were consumed while she got out of work for being a rich, attractive blonde. "...The hell's going on here?" She asked when she saw the pile of people.

"_I'll _tell you what's going on!" yelled Natsu as he climbed to the top of the pile. "...I'm _starving!_"

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**Make sure you remember to review, as well; good feedback makes for a great story! **


	3. Lucy's A Pedophile! Wendy, the Genius?

**The following is a non-profit fanfic. Fairy Tail and any other series that show up are all owned by their respective owners. Please support the official release. **

* * *

It was another sunny afternoon in Brazil, where Alfheim Academy is. The students were in the midst of lunch, and our favorite deviant girl Lucy was eating with her best girl friend, Levy McGarden.

"And then, Gajeel gave me his rag. His _sweat _rag!" Levy said with a smile so big it could hold the Colossal Titan and still have room for repeat WcDonalds customer.

"Uh-huh," Lucy said, chewing on her sandwich with a bored look.

"To the untrained eye, he was just throwing it in a random direction, especially since it hit me in the face, but I _know _he was _giving _it to me!"

"Uh-huh."

"...You're not listening to me, are you, Lu-chan?"

"Not at all."

"You're supposed to lie when someone asks you that!"

"I don't want to add 'dishonest' to my already long list of faults! Besides, your stupid chatter makes for the perfect lunch BGM!"

"...I'm feeling the urge to strangle you, so I'm going a class over to eat with Jet and Droy. Their presence means nothing to me, but at least they _listen!_" With that, Levy got up from her desk and walked away with a huff.

_Levy-chan's right. I _do _need a sidekick!_ was thought by Lucy, completely zoning out on what was really happening. _But who should it be? Natsu's already my future boyfriend/man slave, Gray isn't interesting enough, Erza would probably enjoy it too much, and Levy-chan's too rude! I mean, what kind of person just gets up and leaves like that? _As Lucy thought this nonsense, she caught sight of something in her peripheral vision and gained a devilish smirk.

* * *

"Man, what an adventure we had with those animals of various colors!" Natsu said as he, Gray, and Erza were walking to his dorm room after class ended.

"I liked how the octopus sang an acapella version of the theme song to _Lucky Star_," Gray said, suddenly losing his shirt.

"I feel sorry for whoever missed it," Erza said, holding a giant ice cream cone which was, undoubtedly, related to this Noodle Incident. Natsu then opened the door and let the two into his room.

"...What sweet hell is this?" Natsu asked, as he saw that Lucy was sitting at his kotatsu with a scared little girl whose outfit told him she went to the middle school branch of Alfheim Academy. "I'm not gonna ask how you got into my room, since I should know that locks mean nothing to you. However, I _will _ask who that little girl is."

"Excellent question, Natsu!" Lucy said. "Everyone, this is Wendy Marvell! She's a child genius, and my new sidekick!"

"...Explain. Now."

"Well, I saw Wendy walking around outside, all confused and stuff, so I knew that she was just moved up to high school for being super smart and needed directions!"

"You really think _that's _what happened?" Gray asked as he took his pants off. "That's the kind of thing you'd only see in a crappy High School AU."

"...So it's probably true," Erza said.

"It's definitely true! And because I assisted her, Wendy is now my sidekick!" Lucy cheered.

"Yep. Indeed, I am," Wendy said with an obviously forced smile right before she knocked over her notebook.

"I'll get that," Natsu said, picking it up. When he did, he was met with a shocking shock that was… shocking.

"Guys, come over here," he whispered to Gray and Erza. When they were both at his sides, they also saw the shockingly shocking shock that was shocking. Written on the cover of Wendy's notebook was the following: "HELP ME! I'm not a genius; I just accidentally kicked my ball over here, and then this crazy lady kidnapped me! I'm not sure what she wants, but I have a feeling that I'm going to get raped!"

"That's… unsettling…" Gray whispered.

"Lucy wouldn't rape a little girl! ...Would she?" Erza asked in a whisper.

"No~..." Natsu started in a whisper. "...No~... ...Maybe."

"Oh! Wendy!" Lucy said, making the three pay attention to the two girls again. "You've got some dirt on your fingers. Let me… clean them for you." Lucy then put Wendy's tiny fingers in her mouth and began to suck on them in a very seductive manner.

"Lucy-san… What are you…" Wendy stammered after Lucy finished.

"What? If I'm gonna do something like that, might as well have fun, right~?"

_...SHE'S GONNA GET RAPED!_ Natsu, Gray, and Erza simultaneously thought.

* * *

Meanwhile, in New York, NY, Chris Hansen was polishing his Emmy Awards when he suddenly stopped.

"My rape senses are tingling," Chris Hansen said. "Some pedophile needs to be exposed on cable! To Brazil!" He then jumped out the window and started flying towards Brazil. Yeah, Chris Hansen can fly now. That has indeed happened.

TO BE CONTINUED

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**Make sure you remember to review, as well; good feedback makes for a great story! **


	4. No Means NO! Time to Stop Attempted Rape

**The following is a non-profit fanfic. Fairy Tail and any other series that show up are all owned by their respective owners. Please support the official release. **

* * *

Previously, on _Alfheim Academy_, Lucy kidnapped a girl by the name of Wendy Marvell on the grounds that she would become her new sidekick. Knowing how Lucy operates, Natsu, Gray, and Erza came to the conclusion that she was going to rape Wendy, so they started to devise a plan to save the little girl's cherry.

"...I got nothing," Natsu said in a whisper. ...That's fantastic.

"We gotta do _something_, though!" Gray whispered.

"For starters, you should put your clothes back on," Erza whispered, making Gray move to de-nudify himself. "What we need to do is keep her out in public; she won't do anything in front of a crowd. While she's outside, we can come up with a way to deal with this."

"Good idea," Natsu replied. "Now all we need is some reason to get them off campus."

"Hey, guys!" Lucy yelled while squeezing Wendy in a suffocating manner. "Who wants to hit up the town?"

_...That'll work_.

* * *

With that, the five of them left Alfheim Academy and went to Magnolia Town, the local hotspot among youths like them. They were currently at Magnolia's hottest clothing store, The Blue Pegasus.

"Thanks for buying me these skinny jeans, Lucy," Natsu said, displaying his new pants. "Except for the fact that they're destroying my sperm with all of the testicle crushing, they're great!"

"Don't mention it, Natsu," Lucy said. "It _is_ the moral obligation of us rich folk to assist our poor friends, after all."

"...Thank you…?"

"...You're welcome…?"

"..."

"...Oh!" Lucy did an about-face to face the dressing room as Wendy exited it, wearing a very stylish outfit picked out for her by Lucy. "That. Looks. Adorable!"

"You… You think so?" Wendy asked, a slight blush creeping across her face.

"Yep! But let's see if we can do better!" Lucy grabbed the girl's arm and pulled her towards the preteen rack to get some new clothes to try on.

"A little weird for her to be acting like this, isn't it?" Erza asked.

"Lucy's probably just looking for clothes that'll look perfect on her floor," Gray said.

"Hmmmm…" Natsu murmured.

* * *

After buying new outfits that there is absolutely no need to describe, the five of them went to the nearby ice cream parlor for sweets.

"Lucy-san, is this really a healthy amount of ice cream?" Wendy asked as she saw that all of their sundaes were extremely large.

"Wendy, you're a child genius, so you should be smart enough to know that no one gives a crap about stuff like that in America," Lucy said, still trapped in her own delusion.

"But this is Brazil."

"Just eat!" Not really having a response, Wendy took in a spoonful of ice cream and immediately smiled at the deliciousness of it, prompting her to eat more.

"...It seems like they're having regular fun…" Erza said.

"Lucy just fattening Wendy up for when it's time to eat her… right…?" Gray asked.

"...Hmmmm…" Natsu murmured.

* * *

After that, with the sun beginning to set, they all went to relax at a playground, with Natsu, Gray, and Erza keeping an ever diligent eye on Lucy. This playground barely had anyone around at this time of day, so they expected Lucy to try something, but all that she did was push Wendy on a swing. And Wendy, who used to look incredibly scared, looked like she was having the time of her life.

_...We made a mistake!_ Natsu, Gray, and Erza though simultaneously as they realized that Lucy was never going to do anything bad. "LUCY!"

"Yeah?" Lucy asked, turning to her friends who were now all in dogeza positions.

"PLEASE FORGIVE US!"

"...Huh?"

* * *

Natsu, Gray, and Erza quickly explained everything that was going through their heads.

You thought I was going to _rape _Wendy?!" Lucy exclaimed. "Why would you think that?!" The three of them shot Lucy deadpan expressions. "...Okay, I guess it _could _be understandable, but even _I _have standards, you know!"

"You're right; we're sorry," Natsu said. "We were too distracted by your usual behavior to remember the good part of you that exists."

"I'm sorry, too, Lucy-san," Wendy said. "I was the first one who thought ill of you, and even though this started off as a kidnapping, it became really fun!"

_Isn't that Stockholm syndrome?!_ Gray and Erza thought.

"Awwww!" Lucy awed. "That's my cute little sidekick! Group hug!" And they did indeed group hug. It was a truly marvelous group hug that proudly signaled the end of the whole ordeal. At least, it _did_ do that before a person fell from the sky onto his feet right in front of them.

"Chris Hansen?!" The five exclaimed.

"That's right!" Chris Hansen exclaimed. "It is I, Chris Hansen, the number one child molester exposer in the world! My Rape Senses were telling me that a pedophile was in this area, but the sensation seems to have diminished."

"We already took care of that," Lucy said.

"What?! ...Well… I gotta expose _someone_ for being a pedophile! ...Where's the nearest Catholic church?" Lucy pointed in some direction. "Thank you. Chris Hansen, away!" Chris Hansen then jumped 20 feet into the air, turned into a pigeon, and flew off towards the Catholic church.

"...That was weird." Yes it was, Natsu. Yes. It. Was.

* * *

**Make sure you remember to review, as well; good feedback makes for a great story! **


	5. Study Time! Ivan's Evil Council of Doom

**The following is a non-profit fanfic. Fairy Tail and any other series that show up are all owned by their respective owners. Please support the official release. **

* * *

It was a cool Saturday night in Brazil, where, of course, Alfheim Academy is located. The Dreyar family had gotten together to play cards at Makarov's house, as they so often apparently do.

"Can I play soon?" Laxus asked. He asked this because he was not included in the games, on account of being a janitor.

"No," Makarov said. "Go clean the toilets again."

"Thanks, Obama…" Laxus mumbled as he walked to the bathroom.

"When will that kid learn that janitors can't play cards?"

"I honestly don't know," Ivan said. "Speaking of honesty, father, is it true that, recently, one of your students kidnapped a little girl from the middle school division?"

"...Maybe. It's alright, though. That little girl succumbed to Stockholm syndrome, and the two of them are now friends."

"That's _not_ alright! You're the principal, father! You shouldn't let the students kidnap little girls, pay Brazilians to do their punishments for them, of set off fireworks that destroy orphanages refurbished to house abandoned, adorable puppies!"

"You know, Ivan, from hearing all of that, I've come to the conclusion that you're very angry. When was the last time you masturbated?"

"Before I came here!"

"Can I play now?" Laxus asked from the bathroom, opening the door slightly.

"NO! Keep cleaning the toilets!"

"You guys suck!" Laxus slammed the door in a huff.

"...Anyway! If I was principal, that school would be run much better!"

"I'm _so_ certain it would. It's a _real_ shame that I have no intention of giving you my job, and an even _bigger_ shame that you could never get it!"

"What if I could get it, _regardless_ of your intention?"

"? What do you mean?"

"Midterms are in a few weeks, so why don't we make a little wager? I'll select four students, you'll select four students, and whoever's students do the best on the tests gets to be principal."

"WHAT?! If you think I'll agree to something as ridiculous as that, then you're even stupider than you naturally are on account of all the times I dropped you on your head as a baby!"

"What?"

"Nothing. Anyway, my answer is 'No'!"

"Aw, come on, man! I'll give you some paper clips and a Subway coupon."

"...Well… okay!"

* * *

"And that's the situation we're in," Makarov said to Natsu, Lucy, Gray, and Erza on Monday in his office. "If I don't defeat Ivan, he'll become principal of Alfheim Academy. Therefore, since the four of you are the main characters, you have been selected to represent me for the tests."

"Just because we're the main characters doesn't mean we'll be smart," Natsu said.

"It gives you the highest chance of success!"

"Also, what's our incentive?" Gray asked, taking his shirt off.

"If we beat Ivan, I'll give you each-"

"Please don't say 'some paper clips and a Subway coupon'," Erza interjected.

"...In that case, I'll give you each an extra week of summer vacation. How's that sound?" The four of them huddled up and began whispering amongst themselves.

"We'll do it!" They said, simultaneously.

* * *

"I can't believe we're gonna get an extra week of summer vacation!" Lucy cheered as they walked through the halls. "I mean, I was probably just going to ditch for a week, anyway, but now it's like they're _letting_ me!"

"You do realize that we actually have to win this, right?" Natsu asked.

"Oh, right. By the way, how good are all of us at math, English, social studies, and science?" After a few seconds of silence, everyone hung their heads low, indicating that none of them were particularly good in any of those subjects.

"Well…that's alright!" Gray exclaimed. "We can just, uh… get our friends to help us!"

"Yeah!" Erza added. "...Who do we know that's smart?"

"Gajeel?" Natsu asked. At that moment, they heard an explosion from metal shop, followed by Gajeel's voice cursing the "ridiculousness" of dynamite being flammable. _No, not him._

"Juvia?" Gray asked. At that moment, the four of them heard a loud thud. When they turned in the direction of it, they saw Juvia underneath a large, solid gold statue of Gray; oddly enough, it had clothes. _No, not her._

"Cana?" Lucy asked. At that moment, they looked outside to see a drunken Cana jumping off the third floor into the pool below. _No, not her._

"Mirajane?" At that moment, they saw Mira walk by while holding a copy of Twilight and wearing a "Team Edward" pin. Definitely _not her!_

"...We need to go outside our circle of friends," they all said simultaneously.

* * *

Meanwhile, at the Legion of Doom, which is an empty classroom, Ivan had gathered together his Evil Council of Doom(the students representing him) for a strategy meeting.

"As you know, I have picked you all because you are the best students I could get to do this with the simple incentive of some paper clips and a Subway coupon," Ivan said. "And, as an added bonus, you four are also smart."Nullpudding, ranked 12th. in English last year!"

"Indeed," the purple man said, rubbing his goatee.

"Kurohebi, ranked 15th. in science last year!"

"That'sssssss right," Kurohebi said.

"Obra, ranked 8th. in social studies last year!"

"You best believe it, son," Obra said. Well, the blue man, himself, didn't say it. Using ventriloquism, the words came from a brown, imp-like doll on his shoulder. For some reason, the man never talked, himself. It was a tad creepy.

"And, going completely against stereotypes, Flare Corona, ranking 5th. in math! ...Flare? FLARE!"

"What?" Flare responded, too focused on staring at a picture of Lucy on her phone to pay real attention.

"You were supposed to respond in a way that establishes your character!"

"Why?"

"I! DON'T! KNOW!"

"..."

"...Anyway! Once you all defeat Makarov's team, I will be principal, and you shall all receive your paper clips and Subway coupons."

"Awwwww, yeaaaah!" Obra's puppet said. "I'm gonna get me a $5 foot long; it's gonna be off da chain, yo!"

"...Right."

"Sssssso, who exactly hassssss Princccccipal Makarov sssselected?" Kurohebi asked.

"These four," Ivan said, turning on the projector to show pictures of Natsu, Lucy, Gray, and Erza. "According to their records, their only average in each main subject. However, if they put their minds to it, they could do exceedingly well, so don't let your guard down."

"Um, Mr. Ivan, sir… can I change my incentive?" Flare asked.

"To what?"

"I want… Blondie's panties!"

"...WHAT?!"

"When did you become a pervert?" Nullpudding asked.

"I am _not_ a pervert. And even if I am, I'm a perverted lady!"

"That'ssssssssssss ssssssssstupid," Kurohebi said.

"Shut up, snake boy!" Flare then wrapped her braids around Kurohebi's neck to strangle him.

"Yeah, boy! It's getting straight _gangsta_ up in here!" Obra said through his puppet.

_...I hope father's brats are bigger idiots than these ones, Ivan thought with a facepalm._

TO BE CONTINUED

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**Make sure you remember to review, as well; good feedback makes for a great story! **


	6. Montage Time! This Song Will Never Die!

**Pie: Well… this sure took a while to come into existence.**

**Fox: Sorry about that. I had a polisci test last week, and I was studying a ton and a half. Also, I'm going to be in New York Friday and Saturday for NYCC, so some chapters could once again be delayed. Sorry~!**

**Pie: You're not sorry.**

**Fox: ...Yeah, I'm not. **

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**The following is a non-profit fanfic. Fairy Tail and any other series that show up are all owned by their respective owners. Please support the official release. **

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Last time, on _Alfheim Academy_, Makarov and Ivan decided to wager the job of principal over how well their selected students could perform on their tests. Natsu and co. originally wanted to get help from their friends, but then they realized that their regular circle is composed of idiots, so they decided to go with other options.

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"It is exactly as the narrator stated," Erza said. "We have gathered you three here because you are the three smartest people outside of our regular circle of friends who had nothing better to do with their time." The three people Erza was referring to all looked at her, Natsu, Lucy, and Gray with varying expressions.

The first person was Natsu's cousin, Death The Kid. Kid was one of the smartest kids in school and got As in all of his classes… at least, he _would _get all As if his OCD didn't cause him to waste entire testing periods on making his name symmetrical. This disorder causes many people to get annoyed with him, but he still maintains a large amount of popularity on account of being rich and having an ongoing threesome with two girls from New York.

The second was Gray's stepbrother, Lyon Vastia. He was a year older than Gray, and while he had his own exams to study for, Gray convinced him to help by promising him a date with Juvia(this was a lie, of course).

Lucy was supposed to get someone, but she got caught up in the first episode of _Kill la Kill_ and forgot; it was entirely understandable. For those of you who have now decided to watch _Kill la Kill_, here is a piece of advice: don't try and view it logically; you'll enjoy it much less.

Finally, Erza got the assistance of Kagura Mikazuchi, the little sister of Erza's friend, Simon. She was the star of the school's kendo team and saw Erza as a sort of athletic rival. Also, she has a nice ass.

"Remind me again what _we _get out of this," Kid said.

"I'm getting a date with Juvia," Lyon said, Gray snickering at the mention of this.

"I really just have nothing to do," Kagura noted.

"So I'm the only one who isn't getting anything out of this, then?" Kid asked.

"Apparently," Lucy said.

"Then I think I'll have to decline."

"But then we won't get an extra week of summer vacation!"

"...In that case, I _definitely _refuse!"

"Why?" Gray asked.

"If you get an extra week of summer vacation, that means you'd be out of school for _nine _weeks, instead of the symmetrical _eight _weeks; I _refuse _to allow such a thing!"

"...You're kidding, right?"

"Is Shaft the studio that baits otaku dick by adding sex appeal to all the underage chicks?"

"Um… yes?"

"Damn right, yes. Those guys are some badass mother-"

"SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" All the girls in the room exclaimed.

"But I'm talkin' 'bout Shaft."

"THEN WE CAN DIG IT!"

"...Anyway!" Natsu interjected. "If you won't do it for yourself, Kid, then do it for ol' cousin Natsu!"

"I don't like you, though."

"You don't?!"

"Not really."

"But I'm always nice to you, man! Remember how I helped you get your foot out of the toilet?"

"No, you didn't. You laughed and took digital pictures."

"Alright, fine then! If you don't help, then I'll… I'll…"

"You'll what?"

"...I'll put a mustard stain on one of your lapels… and _not _on the other one."

"! ...You wouldn't _dare_." Natsu pulled out a bottle of mustard and squeezed out a bit. "Okay, okay, okay, okay!"

"Good. Now, we're a bit short on time, so we need to do this studying rather fast. I suggest… montage!" And montage, they did, all to the tune of a parody of _I'll Make a Man Out of You_ from _Mulan_. You can read it below, or just skip it.

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**Kid: Let's get down to business to pass the tests.**

**Lyon: If you want to win this, you'll have to be the best.**

**Kagura: You're the saddest bunch I ever met, but you can bet, before we're through, you guys, I'll make men out of you!**

("Lucy and I don't have time for surgery," Erza said.)

("Just shut up and montage," Kagura responded.)

**Kid: Stupid as Son Goku, and slow as Snorlax. When the pencils are down, that's when you relax.**

**Lyon: I'm getting a date with Juvia, and so this is what I'll do: somehow I'll make some men out of you!**

("About that date…" Gray started.)

("What about it?" Lyon asked.)

("Good luck with that.")

("Thank you!")

**Erza: I'm never gonna get this right.**

**Lucy: This is all way beneath me!**

**Gray: Just suck it up, and stop being a bitch!**

**Lucy: Are you looking for a fight?**

**Natsu: Let's just all hope for a B…**

**Erza: If we're all lucky, this'll go off without a hitch!**

**BE A MAN!**

**Kid: You must be swift as a coursing river!**

**BE A MAN!**

**Lyon: With all the force of a great typhoon!**

**BE A MAN!**

**Kagura: With all the strength of a raging fire!**

**All three: Mysterious as the dark side of THE MOON!**

**Natsu: Time is racing toward us, 'till it's testing time!**

**Lucy: I wish I was better at making a good rhyme!**

**Erza: This sure is one big waste of space. The author does not know what to do.**

**Gray: I really hope that we're almost through!**

**BE A MAN!**

**Kid: You must be swift as a coursing river!**

**BE A MAN!**

**Lyon: With all the force of a great typhoon!**

**BE A MAN!**

**Kagura: With all the strength of a raging fire!**

**All three: Mysterious as the dark side of THE MOON!**

**BE A MAN!**

**Kid: You must be swift as a coursing river!**

**BE A MAN!**

**Lyon: With all the force of a great typhoon!**

**BE A MAN!**

**Kagura: With all the strength of a raging fire!**

**All three: Mysterious as the dark side of THE MOON! **

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"Wow… we wasted a _lot _of time!" Natsu exclaimed.

"Our tests are tomorrow, and all we've done is work out!" Lucy noted.

"We should _really_ start studying," Kid said. And study, they did. After a rigorous course of studying, they were all prepared for the tests, which would all happen… next time!

TO BE CONTINUED

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**Make sure you remember to review, as well; good feedback makes for a great story!**


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